That little girl....

I should have continued my updates more frequently last week. I think when I let things fester entirely too long on my mind that I tend to go postal.

I saw the movie "Precious" last night. It was extremely raw and shocking. The story if you're unfamiliar with it is about an overweight teen named Precious... abused by her mother, raped by her father, struggling through hardship after hardship basically feeling unloved and out of place.

The commercials will tell u its an uplifting tale but truly I did not leave that theater feeling uplifted. I won't go into spoiler details in case anyone desires to see it, but there are parts throughout the movie where she escapes reality and envisions herself as a glamorous star just as the emotional or even at times the physical blows come at her... I absolutely thought that was genius........

I know its like a moment of denial but to be able to see yourself in such a light to know in your head that you are worth more than taking sh*t and escaping to that faraway land.......

thats something I never had as a child. I never even envisioned myself as glamorous...

These days things are a little different. I know my self worth and I stand as tall and proud as ever but anytime I think back I envision myself as a child and I associate with that girl as a seperate entity. I see photos of that girl and I feel at times like i've let her down and have kept her from being everything she ever wanted to be... its an odd feeling to describe.

I wish I could have protected her better.

Don't get me wrong, I wasnt an abused child but growing up chunky, dark skinned with these indian features, it didnt do much for my self esteem. Nor did other childrens perceptions of me.
If she was as confident as the girl in Precious, she would have been a lot stronger. She probably would have stayed in college regardless of the way her peers made her feel. She would probably have a degree and a real career by now instead of working minimum wage retail for the last 12 years.

But she didnt know what it was to feel empowered by her own self esteem. She thought this was "good enough" because its an honest living and she's an honest person with a good heart.

and suddenly its right back to me again. Its me that is still preventing myself from becoming more.. only now I know what I'm worth and I know what Im capable of doing. The only thing stopping me is the fear... only its not a fear of failure... i know what its like to fail at many things and I know i can deal with it. Its a fear of the unknown of what lies ahead....

my best friend is going for her masters with somewhat of the same fear. How old will she be by the time she finally gets to where she want to be?

The advice from her brother:
regardless of how old we are when we achieve these things, years down the road we will be that age anyway. having achieved them or not. Time will not wait for us ...

and he's right.


I requested an application from our local college today. They will be sending me an information package within a week.

Its time I give that little girl everything I feel she I deserve.