Cookies N Cocktails

AHHHHHHHHHHHh

2010-02-08T15:56:00.000-08:00

Ok its been FOREVER and ever......

i've fallen off the bandwagon.. not only have I fallen off of it but I believe it backed up and ran me over.... repeatedly.

Lets cut to the chase. I'm back up to 218 (perhaps even more by now) and today I change it all again. I watched as it crept back on......... i watched as i went back to 206 saying i was still as cute as a button... i watched as it went to 210 saying "oops, thats not too bad"..... i watched as it said 215... and i thought... 215 was one of my goals last year that I was SOOO looking forward too..

only DAMN i can see the weight on my arms, around my stomach and on my face. Its amazing what 15-18 pounds can do to a person....... I want to get back down to 206. from there... i will once again continue the journey in peace. Once I get back to 206 I dont care if I lose one pound every two weeks........ as long as I can maintain it and know that Im ok.

So here we go, 218 to 206........... It shouldn't take long at all but thats only if i can get back on the bandwagon.

Lets go...

Twenty Ten.. wow

2009-12-28T05:34:00.000-08:00

Ok so the moment of truth came when I had to step on the scale...... I promised my youtube girls I would own up to whatever damage I had done to myself within the past 4 weeks......

the damage was harsh... wreckless even. I evicted myself from the glorious onderland and weighed in at a whopping 208 pounds......

am i surprised? .. yes.

surprised that actually it was less than 210! I would say only 3 pounds of that gain was actually due to holiday food. The rest has been from stress, worries, fears, and even some newfound happiness..

Emotional eating is a tough cycle to break.

Lots of changes coming up next year. I have a new Youtube channel Im going to be creating. Only because I'd like the fresh start... new video formats, video content, and hopefully it will be the channel that I originally wanted it to be instead of just lackadaisical updates fresh from snoozeville.

For those of you who dont follow the youtube weightloss community, I will fill you in on some minor details of the changes upcoming.

We all know I applied to school. Christmas Eve I got the gift of the acceptance letter. I'm still uncertain if I can make it in time to start in january but I am going to do all that I can to do so. Even if it means taking just one or two classes right now. Finances are tight and I wont be getting financial aid this term (due to last minute of it all) so .. i may be borrowing from the parents. Ugh

But orientation will be on the 6th and that should be when I create my schedule. Then and only then will it be official. The only people who know about the acceptance letter are my younger brother, my friend josh, and my friend Louis. And well... now you know as well lol

Once I get my schedule in black and white I will reveal it to the rest of my friends and family. Only because every single year theyve been hearing me talk about wanting to return and I never follow through. I know my father in particular is very judgemental on the topic. Even once I get my schedule and start classes he will believe it wont last long.

I cant say I blame the man, hes tried to put me through 2 schools already and I have failed him on both. Its only now as an adult that i realize the THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of dollars I have cost him.

I'd be pissed too.

Aside from school, as Ive mentioned before im back in the dating game. As much fun as it is, it also comes with a price. Im starting to like one particular fellow more than Im prepared to. I want to continue to date for a few months (get to know more people as well) but the more I like him the guiltier I feel for seeing or meeting other guys.

So far all I can do is keep everything open and honest with them all and let them know I am seeing other people. My goal is always to be honest. Even if its something they wont want to hear or something that may cause them to back away, I made the vow to myself to give people a chance and to give myself a chance to get to know them.

So this will be interesting indeed... that being said I did make the decision to create another blog about my life outside of weightloss. Once I get that up and started I will post a link to it as well.

For now Im just putting it all on here to update. Another thing pressing on my mind is this new job offer at work. If I will be going to school I will need more money...... aside from more money I will also be needing more time to concentrate on said schooling.

So my dilemma... do I take the fulltime AND go to school.. or do I drop my schedule back down and focus on school primarily? Keep in mind I work overnights from 10pm-7a.m so i do have the time slots open for any classes... but how will that affect my sleeping, eating and mental state of mind?

... I guess i will have to let everything kinda fall into place and see where I stand. Perhaps i can attempt to take on a full time position and if it gets too hard, get back to a part time schedule.

Life will be changing alright.... im 31 years old and finally growing up.

The case of the missing salad dressing!!

2009-12-19T12:23:00.000-08:00

So theres a downfall to dating a number of men... and thats going out to eat a few times a week lol

I havent fixed my eating habits ... i realized its been about a month now and I have yet to eat properly and exercise AT ALL... i should be ashamed of myself. And I am, but I don't have any motivation.

Im upset that my favorite salad dressing ever is nowhere to be found. Kens healthy options dressing Italian with Romano and Red Pepper -- it was wonderful....... a medley of flavors that burst in my mouth as I ate every crunchy little bit of my beloved salads......

... and its been weeks since I've found it.. in any grocery store.

I've tried others and they simply are NOT the same...... nothing compares to it and now that I cant have it, I dont want any salads......

what a damn shame.

I've gone so far as to look for it online and the only thing I found was a case of 12.

Who the heck needs 12 bottles of salad dressing in their home?

... apparently I do... i ordered them and am anxiously awaiting their arrival.

I can't be TOO far off track if Im looking forward to having my salads again, right?

.... thats what I tell myself anyway.

SHES ALIVE!!!

2009-12-11T05:32:00.000-08:00

Great.. i post this crazy uplifting blog and suddenly i fall off the face of the earth!!

Not entirely and not intentionally! Thanks for all the comments on that last post.. i definitely needed to hear such support!! Age is definitely a factor thats bugging me on this going back to school thing.

The way things look right now Im having a bit of trouble making it in next month. Mainly due to my financial situation. If it means not being able to start until the fall, so be it.. the point is just to get in there!!

So where have I been then? Well my laptops been on the fritz for weeks now, only allowing me to be on for 5-10 minutes at a time before it kicks me off. i've tried fixing it and running diagnostics but before I can complete anything it freezes up and kicks me off. I will continue to fight with it until it's fixed or altogether dead!

As for the weightloss, its all come to a halt for a lot of reasons. I got burnt out... I went crazy on eating naughty foods and I've put weight back on. Not a lot mind you, but I am no longer in "onederland". I was afraid this would happen...

Though Im disappointed, im not beating myself up... none in the least. Because I know what I've done wrong and I know what to do to fix it. I am giving myself the next two weeks to get back into it myself, otherwise I have considered joining weight watchers for the extra support. I guess we will see in two weeks exactly where Im at.

Other ongoings in my life... well this week I am dealing with a cold. I've lost my voice for two days now and Im desperately hoping to get better by Monday!

I've also gone ahead and joined the ranks of internet dating. Yes, thats right... i said it. internet dating..... where you're matched on compatability questionnaires.. yeah u know the site lol

I dont know what possessed me to do it, but thus far I've met two great guys and theres another waiting to meet up on Monday.

I'm taking the time to keep all of my options open and not rush into anything .. for as much as I miss being in a relationship Im fully aware of the dangers of getting involved with the wrong person just for the reason of wanting to be with someone.

I've dealt with my fair share of men in the past and Im hoping not to let history repeat itself. Im not sure exactly on wether or not I'll blog my dating adventures here or start another blog simply for daily ongoings. Guess time will tell...

though i know what youre thinking.. i can barely keep up with THIS blog, how can i start another? LOL

i know... i know.

I also have the opportunity to take on a full time position at work. For those of u not in the know, I work retail.. and as much as I despise the thought of being there 5 days a week, it may just be the opportunity I need to make sure I have enough money for school and future plans.

Definitely a lot of changes to be going on next year......

.. but im ready and willing to take them all on, for they are beneficial to me and the structure of my life :0)

What doesnt kill us makes us stronger!!

That little girl....

2009-11-16T11:46:00.000-08:00

I should have continued my updates more frequently last week. I think when I let things fester entirely too long on my mind that I tend to go postal.

I saw the movie "Precious" last night. It was extremely raw and shocking. The story if you're unfamiliar with it is about an overweight teen named Precious... abused by her mother, raped by her father, struggling through hardship after hardship basically feeling unloved and out of place.

The commercials will tell u its an uplifting tale but truly I did not leave that theater feeling uplifted. I won't go into spoiler details in case anyone desires to see it, but there are parts throughout the movie where she escapes reality and envisions herself as a glamorous star just as the emotional or even at times the physical blows come at her... I absolutely thought that was genius........

I know its like a moment of denial but to be able to see yourself in such a light to know in your head that you are worth more than taking sh*t and escaping to that faraway land.......

thats something I never had as a child. I never even envisioned myself as glamorous...

These days things are a little different. I know my self worth and I stand as tall and proud as ever but anytime I think back I envision myself as a child and I associate with that girl as a seperate entity. I see photos of that girl and I feel at times like i've let her down and have kept her from being everything she ever wanted to be... its an odd feeling to describe.

I wish I could have protected her better.

Don't get me wrong, I wasnt an abused child but growing up chunky, dark skinned with these indian features, it didnt do much for my self esteem. Nor did other childrens perceptions of me.
If she was as confident as the girl in Precious, she would have been a lot stronger. She probably would have stayed in college regardless of the way her peers made her feel. She would probably have a degree and a real career by now instead of working minimum wage retail for the last 12 years.

But she didnt know what it was to feel empowered by her own self esteem. She thought this was "good enough" because its an honest living and she's an honest person with a good heart.

and suddenly its right back to me again. Its me that is still preventing myself from becoming more.. only now I know what I'm worth and I know what Im capable of doing. The only thing stopping me is the fear... only its not a fear of failure... i know what its like to fail at many things and I know i can deal with it. Its a fear of the unknown of what lies ahead....

my best friend is going for her masters with somewhat of the same fear. How old will she be by the time she finally gets to where she want to be?

The advice from her brother:
regardless of how old we are when we achieve these things, years down the road we will be that age anyway. having achieved them or not. Time will not wait for us ...

and he's right.

I requested an application from our local college today. They will be sending me an information package within a week.

Its time I give that little girl everything I feel ~~she~~ I deserve.

BINGE...argh

2009-11-07T06:03:00.000-08:00

I had a mini binge tuesday night. It all started with some damn gummy bears that I still have lefteover from my birthday. I don't know what it was i truly wanted but I denied it to myself and instead I told myself i could have a few gummies. From there it went downhill....

I wont go into the details of all that i ate (most of it was ingested when i was at work) but the next day i felt awful. I could barely fathom the thought of eating anything.

We have started a new "challenge" on youtube. Its a christmas challenge that ends on december 21st. This one has prizes at the end for the biggest percentage losers. Its not so much about the prizes for me though.. i dont even know what lara bars are (part of the prizes) .. i think its more about proving something. Call me ignorant but I see so many people gaining subscribers and fanatics because they talk about losing weight and they are so vigilante about what they are going to do to lose it but here we are months later and their weight hasnt budged.

I guess in life things are always going to be about popularity. And I don't have it in me to brown nose my way into anyones life. One of the reasons I wanted to do this youtube was to help other people along the way... sadly i don't feel I'm really doing anything to help anyone and though i am ultimately doing this for me and its working, I still feel like I need to do more to help.

I guess we'll have to wait and see.. for now I have to focus on not binging again. I knew it was bound to happen but I want to dissect myself until I get to the problem and rip it out. Perhaps now that i've been working out 5 times a week the last two weeks my body is asking me for more calories. I need to be ok with giving it more fuel to burn.

I just hit 198 last Sunday and I never want to see the 200's again.... that certainly has a lot to do with it. But I guess its either increase my calories or fight the binge monster every damn day...

One of the guys on Youtube said it was a new era for me now that i've hit "onederland"... he was right. Its a new era, a new struggle, and a new plan to be enforced. This just never gets easier lol

.. but i can do it.

this is halloween

2009-11-01T17:43:00.001-08:00

Hey guys, long time no update (kinda). I spent the last week altering my dress as well as making jewelry for it and keeping up with a 10 day workout challenge... AND working of course. Now halloween is gone and I had a blast. I didn't take a TON of pix as I didnt like lugging my phone nor camera along everywhere (i had no pockets nor purse) but I did take a few since I promised.

i posted a pic of the jewelry on my youtube channel but in case u missed it, here it goes:

It was actually my favorite part of the costume.... it tested all of my patience to 1) Find charms that coordinated 2) figure out what to do with them 3) open all the little loops to get the charms on 4) get the damn earrings in (tho only one earring is shown here) I didnt get to make the second one until about half hour before we left for the party lol

All in all it was a great night, i didnt watch a damn thing that I ate or drank but I told myself that it was ok for that one night only. I even got up and danced a little (which I never do). Granted part of that was the alcohol but I wasn't completely gone lol i still was very aware of the fact that I had two left feet.

For now this is all I have, i'm still a bit exhausted but I have a whole new plan to take in effect tomorrow that i need to figure out. Hope you all had a great weekend!! I must catch up on reading everyones blogs tomorrow!

xoxo
francesca

My first ever adult halloween costume!!

2009-10-26T21:45:00.000-07:00

Decision making is hard!!

This eskimo was my first choice.. i loved it the minute i saw it. I thought it would look great on my skintone, and all the white trim against my dark hair would just be adorable. And well truth be told it fits into my obsession with winter coats...

we've been thru this already lol

So I tried on a Large (after about 2 days of looking) and it was too snug. I did really like it but after seeing it on me, it wasn't "costume" fun enough for me.

My best friend then had me try on the Robin Hood outfit you see on the right. Im not a big fan of robin hood but she knows I absolutely adore GREEN and she knows I love a good V neck. Granted, this dress looks very hoochie but I tried it on in a Large and I absolutely loved it. Only thing was that it was a tad bit too snug! I kept it in the back of my mind in case I wanted to order it in a 1X online.

One thing I had to come to terms with is the fact that my love handles are existent and nothing will kill them from here till halloween. They did poke through the costumes but who cares? lol they arent as prominent as they used to be, so Im ok with it.

Another costume I absolutely adored was this Alice in wonderland. I'm a fan of the story and of course Tim Burtons version will be out next year so I would have LOVED to try it on... only problem is everywhere we went they only had them in small and/or medium. That wasnt going to happen! I would even have risked ordering it online in a 1x in hopes the fit would be fine but even online its sold out... EVERYWHERE.

So for the last 5 days Ive been thinking about what to do, whats my decision and what do i truly want? They all had pros and cons but I couldnt decide. and of course I kept looking for the alice in hopes it would be in stock anywhere. I happened to stumble across a rather plain and simple but still cute alice costume which I thought I could spruce up with some felt and glitter... it wont look remotely like this one but i will know for sure nobody will have a costume like it because it will be my own customized version:

In the end. I ordered this one and the Robin Hood in 1x. I really want the alice to work for me but just in case it doesnt fit, I will have the Robin hood to fall back on. Of course it cost me an arm and a leg especially since I need them ENSURED to be here before halloween.

If you knew me you would be shocked as hell right now. I don't dress up for Halloween.. as much as I love halloween Ive never cared to look for costumes because of my weight. LET ALONE the fact that I do NOT wear dresses.... Ive always hated my legs for the massive bigness they are, and suddenly here I am trying on costumes that are dresses.

Things are changing in me and though I still have the worries that people will laugh or talk about the fattie in a costume, Im not going to let it intimidate me from doing it anyway! I've let too many years go by where I sit on the bleachers instead of getting in the game. The only worry I have is that my friend will back out and will no longer want to go to the Halloween Party. She had a rough time finding any costumes she felt comfortable in and its affecting her self esteem. I feel as though her and I have switched places this year.

We've both been heavy most of our lives but she's always been so much more self confident in her looks and shape than i ever was. She loves dresses and showing off her legs.... i've always admired that about her. Yesterday she mentioned if we didnt get to the party, we could have our own halloween celebration.

Now God forgive me but I am not getting dolled up and dressed up just to hang out with her passing out candy. Every new years I tell myself "This is gonna be my year" and every year i let myself down... this year its hitting me so quickly that in the blink of an eye Im trying on costumes and actually enjoying it.

Im transforming myself mentally without even realizing it.

oh dear....

2009-10-23T11:09:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is the 24th. A day that was planned over a month ago. Sadly there will be no Six Flags Great America as the rain has made us change our plans but I remember my thoughts as I wrote that down.

"I hope I'm not too big to get on the rides"

I absolutely love amusement parks and Great America in October is even better because they have it tricked out for Halloweens "Fright Fest". I was excited to go but again, the little voice in my head had me very paranoid.

How sad is that? Im so curious to know whether my issues with weight and self image are seriously THAT disturbed or if everyone goes through things like this. Do skinny people ever stop and think how they are physically perceived? I'm sure they do.. but is it on a daily basis? Everytime they eat something? everytime they get dressed? everytime they shower? everytime they look in the mirror? ...

Its mind boggling.

Regardless, as I said our plans have been canceled and though I don't feel as paranoid about fitting into the rides, I still hate that I think like that at times. One of the many many curveballs my mind throws at me all the time. We are all still enjoying a day out but it will more than likely be with indoor activities, i'm looking forward to it!!

But just as tomorrow approaches and I no longer worry about it, my brain is ready for the next hit:

Halloween. I usually work every Halloween but by some miracle of God I managed to get it off this year. I was in utter utter shock. Once I told the best friend she quickly invited me to a Halloween party.. and again... i froze.

Halloween = costumes.
Party = people
costumes + fatty = ridiculous.

well damn. what kind of math is that?! I'm paranoid to look for a costume because I know I will want something cute and dare I even attempt something "sexy"?

The diva in me screams yes but the fatty in me says NO WAY. What if someone has the same costume on except they are 90 pounds lighter?

... ugh. this is what happens when u let ur self confidence shoot to sh*t.

I will be doing some costume shopping sometime next week.

I can't let my mind overtake me any further. I will buy a costume. I will go to the party. I will have fun.

End of story.

Revelations and nature

2009-10-21T09:42:00.000-07:00

I had a small revelation Sunday that brought me to tears....

If I may rewind a bit, my best friend and her sister made some last minute plans for saturday to go to the Morton Arboretum. We had been there once last year and it was absolutely breathtaking. Nothing but nature, trees, walkways, and mother earth as far as the eyes can see....

This year was no different, I absolutely love nature. It puts everything into perspective for me and gives me an inner peace that is pretty much indescribable. We enjoyed a tranam ride, a long walk, and of course lots of picture taking. The place is open 365 days a year but so far I've only seen the place twice, both of which were in the autumn season. I would love to return when everything is under a blanket of snow, so Im hoping we can all do this again sometime in December or January.

So where is this revelation u ask?
well, its in the following set of pictures:

Yes, they are all pictures of me... granted they're not the best pictures of me ;) BUT for the first time I can EVER remember in my 31 years of life.... I actually encouraged and desired photos to be taken of myself. When we went last year I also had pictures taken but I really didnt want to see them as I had just started to gain all my weight back. At that time I was about 220 lbs.. this time i'm down to 206. I compared a few pix and I couldnt tell much of a difference except that in THESE pics.. im actually smiling!

Now this may not seem like a huge deal but trust me, if you grew up with the self image demons I have... you would know this is HUGE. I have never in life felt that I was anything special to look at. When I was a child, I was very round, very dark, and my little facial features were very rough and raw. My face in general tends to be wider than the average face so you can imagine by the time I became a teen where you learn that image really matters, I was lost. I was nothing but cheeks and double chin.. the camera was never my friend. Not as a preteen, not as teen and not as an adult. Even after I starved myself to 169 pounds 7 years ago, I hated pictures. My mind and body were so out of whack that I couldn't see past the monster that I created in the mirror.

Saturday was different.

Between my camera and my best friends camera, we snapped all kinds of photos and not once did I worry about my "bad" side, or how fat I might look...

it all fluttered away.

I was having entirely too much fun Saturday to realize any of it.. so when it hit me the day after... I was in tears.

happy little tears.

who blogs about winter coats?!?!

2009-10-18T06:38:00.000-07:00

My name is francesca and I am addicted to winter coats.

Every year i have a vision of my perfect coat and though I only act out on it every OTHER year, I hunt and find the closest thing to my vision as possible. Two years ago it was a GREEN coat.. not just any green.. not olive green, not light green, not yellow green ... a TRUE green. Being a plus sized girl you would think "You dont have the option to be picky" but... truly when it comes to winter coats.. i want what i want and I do what I can to have it. That year was no exception and after weeks of searching I found the following:

let me just tell you, with a cream colored scarf and hat.. its absolute CUTE! but that was 2 years ago........

This year it was all about this coat:

its from Jessica Simpson which I knew wouldnt be made in "biggie" sizes.. but considering im doing so damn well on this mission of mine I told myself if I lose another 20 pounds I may just fit into an XL. The only problem is this coat was no longer available. For over a month i checked every day to see if it was miraculously going to appear JUST FOR ME....... but nada. I scoured the stores in chance they may have them but none had this particular treasure.

I ended up trying another jessica simpson on just to measure it up on my frame and sure enough, I think im correct in saying I would have needed to lose another 20 to have it fit. The particular coat I tried on was cute but didnt speak to me on a personal style level. I had a second choice which was a GUESS purple coat but I just couldnt bring myself to buying it when i truly wanted my Jessica Simpson.... so I told myself to hold off on it until November....

As most of u may have noticed, my birthday was on the 10th of this month and after I got home from a great celebration day I logged online and took a chance one last time on the coat. To my surprise, it was back in stock........ JUST FOR ME....

a gift from God (well besides the gift of another year of life of course;) and he wanted me to have it on this special joyous occasion... and wouldnt you know, it was shipped out and delivered to me by this past thursday...

later today I will take photos so you can see how small it is on me, but soon I shall be rocking this new coat and loving it. Not only because its so pretty, but because I will have EARNED the strut i will be walking while in it!

My name is Francesca and I'm addicted to winter coats.

Great weekend

2009-10-13T00:42:00.001-07:00

I had a wonderful birthday weekend. I spent time with family and friends... for those of you who arent on youtube, i made a small video of my random ongoings throughout the day (saturday only):

.......................................................................................................

*disclaimer in the video- i dont condone making messes in parking lots but i didnt know he was going to do that until it was too late (oops). and yes we were kicked out by the owner himself... and he wasnt even remotely trying to be courteous about it. straight up "YOU MUST GO NOW"

.......................................................................................................

There were a lot of goodies and let me just tell you those gummie bears are a highlight of the entire day because YES they are THAT good.. we even got to see the factory making the them. And im not a gummie fanatic, so for me to rave on them .... theyre fantastic. I bought a pound of regulars and half a pound of sours. (Christina, I SOOO wanna send u some if u really love gummies that much!!) lol

And yes there are plenty still left lol

I'm not sure whats going on with me and YouTube but Im starting to feel a little out of the loop with a few people who i once adored. Their focus is becoming a little more on subscribers and popularity than weightloss. This saddens me, but does not affect my reason for being there. its all about accountability for my goals, I just don't enjoy watching videos as much as I used to.

Maybe its just me. Regardless I will continue on with my updates here and on youtube... last week i was blessed with mother natures monthly gift which kept me pretty on point with my eating. Heavy eating while on my period gives me horrible cramps so I kept it pretty light. There was absolutely NO working out cuz I didnt have it in me to do so.. but i did go back to work which is always active and keeps me moving. So end results????????

Well my weigh ins are sundays and due to mother nature and the fact that i ate so much sugary goodness on Saturday I decided not to weigh in.

And then I thought about accountability and said "JUST DO IT"...

... Last week: 211
... This week: 209

I'm on a high :0)

I'm also vowing to kick ass this week on my workouts.
No excuses.

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

Conquering Birthday Calories (maybe)

2009-10-09T14:25:00.000-07:00

Sunday is weigh-in day...

... and tomorrow is my birthday. That just doesnt seem fair at all lol
I've thought about making my own birthday cupcakes to celebrate here with the family but considering the fact that I know tonight will be hell at work, I am going to be too exhausted to get up and make them tomorrow.

My best friend will be taking me out tomorrow. I plan on making healthy choices with any meals and knowing her there is a cake waiting for me...

...uh-oh

Don't get me wrong, Im ENTIRELY looking forward to a slice of cake but I'm not looking forward to having leftover cake. Too much cake in the house is not a good thing.

Last year I had a sweetheart of a friend who got me a personal sized strawberry shortcake at work -- just for me. (Cake #1)

Also my best friend and her sister got me one of those cheesecake medleys where it had 6 different flavors to choose from (Cake #2)

For the past few years my mother has gotten me a vanilla cake with white frosting and huge glorious strawberrys bordering the top.. its heavenly and last year was no exception. (Cake #3)

Another friend of mine took me out during the week and followed it up with late night movies at his place with.. (wait for it)....... ANOTHER small personal cake (Cake #4).

This year I only have two cakes to worry about. One from my best friend and one from my family...

One thing for certain is I plan on indulging, but not OVER indulging. As long as I can do that, I will be happy. :0)

Hope everyones had a great week, its finally over (well at least my workweek will be over by 7 tomorrow morning)

I will be off from the hellhole until Tuesday so I hope to have birthday pix and catch up on my Youtube video watching and video making.

~xoxo
francesca

Fish and Guilt

2009-10-04T18:18:00.000-07:00

I tried Tilapia for the first time today.. it was from the weight watchers menu at AppleBees. It was a bold move considering how hungry I was and the fact that I had no idea what it would taste like. It made my tummy sing, it was so good. It was served on a bed of rice pilaf with a side of broccoli (which i adore broccoli like none other) so I was a damn happy girl. I glanced at the other items on the menu (i.e...cheeseburgers, pastas, sandwiches) but I thought to myself..... is all that greasy cheesy stuff really worth it?

No. It wouldn't have been. I'm not saying I wont be eating foods like that ever again but today i really was more excited on trying something new. ♥ Two thumbs up guys!

In other news, i need to work on my Sexy4Santa video update.... it's just a little hard as my mother is still in recovery mode from the pnemonia. She's breathing SOOO much better now but she's still fairly weak so between my brother and I we have been staying closeby in case she needs anything.

Her meds make her shaky and affect her nervous system. She had an anxiety attack last night while I was chatting in stickam. Apparently she had an overwhelming sense of loneliness that I didnt find out about till this morning. My father was off from work so I assumed either he or my brother were with her while I was taking some time to chat and get to know other sexy 4 santa challengers.... alas, i was wrong... she sat in the kitchen alone..........Talk about feeling guilty!

Today is the last day she is taking those meds, so hopefully she wont be going through that again. I just wish she would have said something that night instead of this morning :0(

On happier news I know I shouldnt post this until my YouTube video but I managed to drop 2 pounds last week. Surprising considering the fact that I only worked out twice last week and did a little oversnacking while mom was in the hospital.

YAY weightloss!!

Get comfy, its a long read!!!

2009-10-03T08:44:00.000-07:00

Yay im starting to find more weightloss blogs here on blogger/blogspot!! I get so sad when I start reading some posts from bloggers only to find out the most recent are 6 months old.

Hopefully nobody is reading this 6 months from now wondering what happened to ME....

I once blogged on diaryland for about two years... I developed a nice little reputation there for my witty banter. I was shocked so many people were into reading my blog (It wasnt weight related, just life in general). For some reason I seem to be a little more entertaining when I blog, rather than when i vlog... I'm not quite sure why that is. Maybe its my love for words... or maybe its that I dont stop and think what Im going to say, I just say it... err type it.

I wish I could be one of those "Americas Sweetheart" types that everyone just loves.. but with the small potty mouth that I have and the sarcasm I was gifted its just never going to happen. I'm a bit of a medley... sometimes im funny, sometimes im serious, sometimes Im a b*tch and sometimes Im a charmer.......

..and sometimes... JUST sometimes I'm a little stuck on myself

LOL .... sometimes.

Regardless, I was starting to think I would use this blog as an extension of my Youtube channel but now that Im here I think I may just have it be a strong entity in and of itself. Especially for anyone who may in the future follow my blog who isnt on YouTube........ (which if youre on a weightloss journey I highly recommend you do). Even if you dont make videos, at the very least watch some and follow some.

If I may just say this lady, Rocky has done so much to help in my journey. I've been overweight all of my life so Ive fought this battle many many times... as a child, an adolescent, and now as an adult. In 2001-2002 i starved myself from weighing 250 pounds down to 169 pounds and still felt like an obese grotesque monster....... needless to say I gained it all back extremely quickly and it isn't until now, 2009 that I am realizing what a true LIFESTYLE change means.

Rocky's the one who shined a light on that... she was the first person who put in a friend request to me and though I added her I didnt subscribe right away cuz I thought to myself "Whos this skinny b*tch and why is she adding me as a friend?" .... (again im not americas sweetheart, sorry) LOL but after about a week I went back to her page and realized she was the answer! The key to why I always fail in weightloss...

she has recipes up the wahzoo and even shows you what to buy, where you can find it and how to cook it up. She has a huge following and still manages to find the time to take requests!! Go watch her dammit.... she's turned me onto parsnips, and roasted vegetables and different types of bell peppers... she's that amazing. And trust me, this is coming from a girl who used to eat an entire bag of oreos (or any cookies for that matter) in one sitting.... or eat half a box of cereal for breakfast.... (sometimes even a full box)........... all things I would never admit out loud. But believe me when I say if I'm capable of doing it.... ANYONE at all is capable...

I'm two months into my new journey and I have YET to binge... why? Because its about food choices, not food limitations...... healthy exchanges, not extreme deprivation. Without her channel I never would have taken it upon myself to look for "healthy recipes"... I have always hated grocery shopping and now Im damn near loving it. You see, I was what one might call "Domestically challenged"... i liked the idea of cooking and learning, but I never did took it upon myself to learn, so whenever my "diets" came around all I knew was "eat less calories"... which equated in my mind to "eat one light meal a day"

Dont get me wrong, the urges to binge have been there but things are different now. If I want ice cream I have some. If I want pizza, i make a healthy one for myself.... If I want sweets, I will have them. Its still only been two months and no one is to say that maybe tomorrow wont be the day I throw in the towel and binge... or next week.. or 6 months from now.... but Im staying strong and learning so much. Thus far its been a positive journey... i know when I hit my plateau I will be in for a whole nother struggle. But until then, its one day at a time...

Sweet Jesus this is one long blog.... I will never be the posterchild of paraphrasing, but dammit Im a woman of many words...

...and apparently a woman with a lot of time on her hands LOL

~xoxo~

BLOGSPOT hates me

2009-10-01T20:20:00.000-07:00

ok so no blogspot doesnt hate me.. or maybe it does cuz i still call it blogspot when apparently its called "blogger" now. Well excuuuuuuuuuuse me mr blogger sir.

I spent all afternoon creating a lovely background and banner for this site and i cant for the life of me understand how this place configures their html. Im too old school for this mess. Not to mention I got such a taste for a chocolate chip cookie now cuz of my damn layout lol

I ended up going for a weight watchers Ice Cream Sandwich... lucky for me my meal calories were fairly low today from the food choices I made, so I was ok with the indulgence.
I know... I know... youre totally hating on me right now. ;0)

anywho I got into reading the Hungry Girl books while visiting my mother in the hospital. A lot of the foods are meant as quickie shortcuts which equal a lot of processed food and oftentimes mucho sodium BUT they are some damn good ideas if you can tweak them yourself to make them from fresher ingredients (if u have the time) I MUST MUST MUST try some of the yummy foods out from the books. I will more than likely share my findings on my youtube channel so if you havent jumped on my bandwagon, do so now....

http://www.youtube.com/user/cookiesncocktails

anyway, back to the HungryGirl books.... they suggest a nutritious little treat by the name of VitaMuffins......... I checked the website and they SAID they carry them in my local meijer store.... and dont you know I will be there tomorrow morning on the lookout!! They are really just muffin tops but they are 100 calories per top. I hear they also have vita-brownies but the reviews on those were a little mixed....

I just pray i can keep these muffin tops on hand instead of having them increase MY muffin top!

and just FYI thats a TOTALLY accurate drawing of me... except i DO have feet, but to counteract that I gave myself a neck which i really dont have........

time for me to go catch up on some youtube vids!!!

~xoxo

2009-10-01T07:39:00.000-07:00

ahhhhhhhhh i really need to work on my layout here and of course update more often!!!

I will try to do so right after breakfast.

I have the morning free as I am waiting to hear if mom actually makes it out of the hospital and home now. (for anyone who may not know from my YT videos she has pnemonia)

But im done with hospital talk and sick talk for a while. A few things im happy about:

*I have a new program to edit videos with that I need to tinker around with.
*I dont have to deal with the drama of work hopefully for the next week or so
*I just might make it to the stickam chat this weekend. YAYYYYY

and ..........

I have a mushroom, egg and turkey wrap waiting to be eaten soo I will have to work on my layouts and video tweaking later. Im starving!!

hope you guys are having a wonderful day!

~xoxo
francesca

Oh tuesday tuesday....

2009-09-22T18:28:00.000-07:00

As most of you who come across this blog would know, I am embarking on a YouTube Weightloss Journey. I find it incredibly difficult to oftentimes express myself in the alotted time I give myself for these videos and thought a blog would be able to cover anything I might just want to randomly spew from this brain of mine.

I wanted to fancy this up, pretty this up with cute graphics and such but as I was searching my laptop for a particular image I came across pictures of myself when i was in "ONE-derland".... and my heart sank a little.

Tonight I sit here weighing 217 pounds and I know its not far from such a one-derous place but I think after all the highs i've been on these photos kinda struck me a little low.

How does one go from this:

TO THIS:

I'm quite baffled... and to be perfectly honest... quite disappointed in myself.
Granted in those top pics I was somewhere around 180 pounds (still overweight) but the difference is astounding. These last photos were of me between 230-240....

The most recent of those pics was the one in the white jacket. That was me on August 8th, 2009 weighing in at a hearty 240 pounds.

Today as I type this I am down to 217 pounds... accomplishments have been made, goals have been met and I have been feeling so wonderful the last few weeks that I didnt think anything could bring me off this high.

Until I saw the photos that is. Now one might think, "Francesca, you should be happy that youre on your way back to looking like your old self".... that of course, would be the LOGICAL thing to think........... and believe me, I see the difference in my body, the difference in my clothes but I still couldn't help but feel a little envious of the girl in the first photos.

I WILL become her again, only a healthier version of her. I just have to remind myself that this will all take time. I didn't gain the weight overnight, so why should I expect instant results?

For now I would like to thank the YouTube community for being SO INCREDIBLY supportive thus far in my life. I can honestly say I have a place in my heart for many of you and you probably don't even realize it.

Why? Because I know I'm not alone... and in this world with obesity epidemics its hard to say I feel alone but... to see you guys day in and day out venturing out on this same path is just too much to express into words.

XOXO Youtube.

love,
francesca